I did something very stupid today. I put my latest thoughts and feelings on tumblr. I don't know what was going through my head that made me want to do that. I guess it was the need to be heard and it just seemed so easy there. I see why people do what they do there, but I don't want to become that.

"It’s been a solitary month and it’s so hard for me to put myself out there again - to build new relationships. It was a hard, lonely year, junior year when Anna and Taylor left Easton High because they were all I had ever know my first two years of high school - everyone else was a causal acquaintance who took no real interest in building a meaningful friendship with me. I’ve been crying since the first day I got here. It;s strange because this is where I expected to feel at home from the moment I first set foot on this campus that cold October day, senior year. Everyone is branching off into their little friend groups, making little effort to add another. I’ve hardly had any conversations with people, and those that I have began with a “hey can I bum a cigarette from you?” - I guess that’s why I’ve been smoking a lot lately.

A summer full of great times, wonderful friends and a beautiful, healthy relationship with an amazing boy who takes as much interest in me as I do in him has all been stripped from me. These cement walls are growing awfully familiar and my tear, eyeliner stained pillow is begging for a washing. 

I hate to be sad on a public website, but my journal has seen one too many of these excerpts in the last few weeks - years even - and these feelings are overwhelming inside me. I’m afraid to call my friends and cry over the phone because they all seem to be enjoying themselves at the moment, I wouldn’t want to ruin that. 

I miss my life this time last year - hell even two months ago. But I don’t want to go back home."