Sunday, August 31, 2014

Taylor and Alex came to get me from school yesterday and we spent a couple of ours on campus just enjoying the day. It made my heart swell with joy and appreciation that they would drive out almost two hours to get me with no obligation what-so-ever.

I always acknowledge that I have a wonderful group of friends that love and appreciate me as I do them. I've also got a wonderful boyfriend whose willing to keep a relationship due to the distance between us and the circumstances. It's a strange feeling knowing that somebody loves you as much as you love them. Be happy with what you've got because dammit, Kat, you are one lucky girl and people love you for who you are. They love you enough to listen to what you have to say. They love you enough to send you to school for a better tomorrow. They love you enough to keep a friendship for ten years and more to come. They love you enough to confide in you. They love you enough to get you from school when you've been sad and missing home. They love you enough to invest themselves in a relationship with you that is not only emotional, but romantic.

My god, Kat. You have the world. Take in every moment of it and grow.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Short and choppy entry, I've just had greasy Chinese and a good night

My English professor said it's ok to write for ourselves and when we do we'll address ourselves as I as if we were an audience... but of one. So even if I sound self-involved say "I..I..." and "I" IT'S OK. She also said it was good to think on paper, rather than to just "think". Thinking is good, of course, but when you write down your thoughts it works the "writer's muscle" as I like to call it.

It's funny how even one good thing in your day can make every little bad thing from before seem like it never happened. I had another one of those solitude breakdowns earlier...this one was bad. There was heaving and multiple crying "sessions" (hahahaha) - it was just sad to see and go through. I even considered calling Bradley or Alex in the midst of my crying and just telling them everything I was feeling that day and that entire week, but I held myself back. Finally I managed to calm myself down and put on my Motley Crue t-shirt (that makes me feel like home *-*), grab my psychology book and cigarettes and have a little study session outside in the twilight. It was very relaxing and well needed, let me tell you that (I also learned how to [sort-of] blow smoke rings!). After the bugs got too out of hand, I made my way inside to the common room and started drawing chairs, the tv, the couch, whatever my eyes landed on, for my drawing class I have tomorrow. This girl in my hall who I've seen once or twice came in and was trying to make a phone call, but after she realized that wouldn't happen because of the shitty reception, we stuck up a conversation. I ended up going to her dorm and talking for a good two hours about where we came from, what we did, our boyfriends, our friends, the school in general and so many other things. It was nice to have a conversation with someone who was so open to meeting new people and putting herself our there for others. I needed someone to talk to and this was more than great.

I also skipped the opening celebration and went into town instead. There I got an avocado smoothie bubble tea (my god *-*), Chinese food (they put these delivery pamphlets on our doors today and I'd been craving it all day!), some art supplies (with Bradley's pencil expertise.... bless him) and also found an Urban Outfitters (how unexpected!).

So yeah, today turned out to be better than I expected.

Monday, August 25, 2014

I this and I that.

I don't mean to sound so self-involved.

Then again, this is a blog.

There I go again. 

Pages upon pages and paranoia

Today was my first day of classes. Needless to say, I probably shouldn't spend a lot of time on this considering I already have an essay, 2 chapter and a couple other assignments due. My English professor Charlee Smalls seems like a wonderful woman, I look forward with learning with her the rest of this semester (my class happens to be all girls). Joan Wilterdink, my Psychology professor is a very peppy and corny woman, but it's great that way because it seems that she's very easy-going, so she doesn't intimidate me much. My Screenwriting and Adaptations professor is Bill O'Ren, who also happens to be my advisor, is a screenwriter out in L.A with access to all these cool screenplays such as Mud and Moonrise Kingdom! I look forward to that class most of all (that is my MWF classes).

Meal times were better this time; they weren't as crowded and it seemed more of a norm to eat alone. It's weird sitting in a cafe or cafeteria setting after spending junior and senior year hiding away at the library for lunches. I can't do that here since the dining hall is my more cost-effective and convenient way of...well..eating.

I think college will become easier once I have a friend or at least someone to talk to and spend some time with. I feel pretty alone. I've always been ok with solitude, especially growing up in a large, loud family, but after making some very close friendships and a tight-knit group this past year, I feel like I've been ripped away from all of that to be placed somewhere where I'm suppose to thrive academically and socially, but who knows if that'll happen. The fear of solitude is pushing me to an edge. I really do miss everyone back home and Bradley, especially after FaceTiming him for the little time that I did tonight. I fear that I'll miss him so much, it'll start to affect me because this is exactly what I didn't want to happen.

The paranoia of everything is washing over me. I don't want to repeat junior year.

College looks

can you feel the angst?

Sunday, August 24, 2014


My Connections Group and I discussed The Reluctant Fundamentalist today; We discussed whether or not we resonated with the character or novel itself and what we did not fully comprehend while we read it. It was interesting to see that those few who admitted they did not resonate with the book - or fully grasp what it was going for - happened to be white and those who understood where the characters somewhat anti-American feelings came from tended to be of color or foreign (Nikita as a Russian and being strip-searched in various airports). Of course I'm not saying that if you are white that you can not comprehend the book, it was just an interesting observation that further emphasizes white privilege - as Megan, a white girl, pointed out. Later on in the night the author of the book himself, Mohsin Hamid, came to Goucher and gave a discussion and answered some questions about the book. His perspective was pretty interesting and said he intended the book to be open to interpretations by the readers.

I left pretty early because a wave of sadness washed over me. I sat outside in the calm night in hopes to find peace within myself - no luck. I showered and shaved in attempts to feel refreshed - no luck. My mother brought my guitar (and a few other things from home) earlier, so I began preparing a song to play at Open Mic next Thursday. The thing is the only song I can play pretty well at this point is I Wanna Be A Witch by Julia Brown (popularly covered by Teen Suicide [I prefer this version to be honest...]) and this song reminds me terribly of Bradley (which makes me miss him so much), but it also reminds me of Charli because it reminded HER (them?) of him as well, so it's this weird nostalgic guilt that flushes me and makes me even more dismal.

i wanna get high with you in my room
i want it to rain
i wanna stay in bed today
i will change my name
im counting down the weeks
until you come home
a miracle's gonna come save me
it's the only way
i wanna build a place in you
where i can be made new
i wanna sleep until it ends
i won't make new friends

I'm going to call it a night.


Orientation Week

I knew from the start of it that orientation week was going to be utter-stupidity. A week filled with forced activities, ice-breakers and overly-peppy peers who can't "wait to start college". I'd never been one for group activities or very school-oriented events. Little did I know when I moved in Wednesday that Friday and Saturday night would consist of being in my room by 6p.m, going to sleep at 4 almost every night this week, and that I'd sit in my room crying for what seemed like hours. Including right now as I type this post. I'm not crying because of homesickness, or because I miss Bradley (which I do, but I'm at a peace of mind in that aspect of my moving away) or my friends back home, I'm upset because people seem to have found some friends. They have met their roommate(s) and some good people to go out to meals with or hell - even parties! (and we've been here for 4 days...). They walk across campus and they wave to each other. "HEY Walter!!" here and "Sup man! come to my dorm for a movie later?" there?. Meanwhile, my days have consisted of smoking on the quad, sitting in the library or sitting alone at dinner (props to me for sleeping in till 3 every day, skipping both breakfast and lunch) in hopes that someone will come up to me and strike up a conversation. I've tried talking to people, but they aren't very receptive and if they are theres this ever-looming awkwardness in between us that didn't happen when I saw them with someone else. I sit in my dorm reading Buzzfeed articles off of my phone as I hear a crowd walk past my door to the common room. It is past midnight and from their slurred conversation and unnecessary cacophonies that they are drunk. They are having such a good time. It'll get better is all I've heard. Yes, I'm sure it will, but orientation week is not even over and people are having fun, sinking their feet into the ground. Whereas I'm not. It's not jealousy or spite that I feel. It's contempt for myself...for being so reserved, amateur and un-open to the festivities that are freshman orientation. I fear that it will take me a while to develop connections with people and my nights will consist of they have for the past week.

However, there has been some highlights to this week, despite all that in-my-head depressiveness; On my ride to Blue Water Baltimore for our volunteer project on Friday, I sat next to this guy in my second orientation group (who also happens to be in my Screenwriting and Adaptations class) named Michael. I didn't have intentions on talking to him (a probable factor of why I'm not making any "friends" [or people to hang-out with...] this week) because frankly, he's a pretty intimidating looking guy: six-foot-something lacrosse player and considering my past encounters with lacrosse players, I didn't want to set myself up for an awkward situation. Anyways, so I didn't have any intentions on talking to him, so I put my headphones in my phone and started picking something to play when he strikes up a conversation. I don't remember exactly what he had said, but it took me by surprise. We spent the entire half hour bus ride to Blue Water talking about where we came from, our siblings, our relationships with them, his season (minimally), hardships his people faced in Cuba, rafts and the dead culture, I told him about Mexican hardships crossing the border, ethnic foods and other things pertaining the subjects. We didn't talk after that and on the ride back I knocked-out. I did lift my head when I heard him say to the guy in the seat next to us The Catcher in the Rye was one of his favorite books (which was kind of creepy considering I was semi-asleep) and chimed in said that TCitR was my favorite book (it was also people funny because Bradley had snapped me earlier saying he felt like I have this entire week).

Today I made my way to the Athenaeum to sit in the library to wallow in my sadness...and read Watership Down. I ran into my neighbor Michaela (Mikayla?) and Walter, the international student from Hong Kong who's in my orientation group, and asked if they knew why everything was closed. We ended up talking for a little bit and going into Towson because we all had some errands to run. My gold Doc Marten loafers gave me awful blisters, causing me to walk barefoot the rest of the hour or two we were in town (including the mall). I bought my cigarette roller in a cool record store we found! I got lost on my way to Walgreens. I found my way to Walgreens. We walked back to school and the entire walk back with Michaela (Walter was left behind because he caught up with some *upperclassmen* friends....AGAIN 4th day!!!???) was very awkward filled with small-talk (mostly from me) and short answers (from her). As soon as I could I split and took off to my room and she didn't even seem phased and thats how it has been.