I told Bradley about my bulimia.

I reached the point where I felt comfortable expressing myself to him a long time ago. He took me in and held me tight, letting me know that he was there to listen to me. I felt the sincerity and care that emanated from him, putting me at ease.

At times I go into these manic waves of sadness and pain and he's the first person I think to tell. At times I do, other times I don't. When I do, the sadness washes over me and I spill my feelings on him, followed by a wave of guilt resulting from the weight that has been on my shoulders, is now shared with him. An unnecessary weight he now carries, hence the guilt.

He says it brings him to a peace of mind that I have the confidence and trust to share these feelings with him and I believe him. I feel like our love and respect is mutual, that he genuinely cares for my well-being. However, I'm afraid that one day all of these problems are going to build-up on him and he's going to feel like I'm using him as an outlet. I'm afraid to be seen as his girlfriend with this "problem" or a collection of petty "problems".

I did something very stupid today. I put my latest thoughts and feelings on tumblr. I don't know what was going through my head that made me want to do that. I guess it was the need to be heard and it just seemed so easy there. I see why people do what they do there, but I don't want to become that.

"It’s been a solitary month and it’s so hard for me to put myself out there again - to build new relationships. It was a hard, lonely year, junior year when Anna and Taylor left Easton High because they were all I had ever know my first two years of high school - everyone else was a causal acquaintance who took no real interest in building a meaningful friendship with me. I’ve been crying since the first day I got here. It;s strange because this is where I expected to feel at home from the moment I first set foot on this campus that cold October day, senior year. Everyone is branching off into their little friend groups, making little effort to add another. I’ve hardly had any conversations with people, and those that I have began with a “hey can I bum a cigarette from you?” - I guess that’s why I’ve been smoking a lot lately.

A summer full of great times, wonderful friends and a beautiful, healthy relationship with an amazing boy who takes as much interest in me as I do in him has all been stripped from me. These cement walls are growing awfully familiar and my tear, eyeliner stained pillow is begging for a washing. 

I hate to be sad on a public website, but my journal has seen one too many of these excerpts in the last few weeks - years even - and these feelings are overwhelming inside me. I’m afraid to call my friends and cry over the phone because they all seem to be enjoying themselves at the moment, I wouldn’t want to ruin that. 

I miss my life this time last year - hell even two months ago. But I don’t want to go back home."

Taylor and Alex came to get me from school yesterday and we spent a couple of ours on campus just enjoying the day. It made my heart swell with joy and appreciation that they would drive out almost two hours to get me with no obligation what-so-ever.

I always acknowledge that I have a wonderful group of friends that love and appreciate me as I do them. I've also got a wonderful boyfriend whose willing to keep a relationship due to the distance between us and the circumstances. It's a strange feeling knowing that somebody loves you as much as you love them. Be happy with what you've got because dammit, Kat, you are one lucky girl and people love you for who you are. They love you enough to listen to what you have to say. They love you enough to send you to school for a better tomorrow. They love you enough to keep a friendship for ten years and more to come. They love you enough to confide in you. They love you enough to get you from school when you've been sad and missing home. They love you enough to invest themselves in a relationship with you that is not only emotional, but romantic.

My god, Kat. You have the world. Take in every moment of it and grow.

Short and choppy entry, I've just had greasy Chinese and a good night

My English professor said it's ok to write for ourselves and when we do we'll address ourselves as I as if we were an audience... but of one. So even if I sound self-involved say "I..I..." and "I" IT'S OK. She also said it was good to think on paper, rather than to just "think". Thinking is good, of course, but when you write down your thoughts it works the "writer's muscle" as I like to call it.

It's funny how even one good thing in your day can make every little bad thing from before seem like it never happened. I had another one of those solitude breakdowns earlier...this one was bad. There was heaving and multiple crying "sessions" (hahahaha) - it was just sad to see and go through. I even considered calling Bradley or Alex in the midst of my crying and just telling them everything I was feeling that day and that entire week, but I held myself back. Finally I managed to calm myself down and put on my Motley Crue t-shirt (that makes me feel like home *-*), grab my psychology book and cigarettes and have a little study session outside in the twilight. It was very relaxing and well needed, let me tell you that (I also learned how to [sort-of] blow smoke rings!). After the bugs got too out of hand, I made my way inside to the common room and started drawing chairs, the tv, the couch, whatever my eyes landed on, for my drawing class I have tomorrow. This girl in my hall who I've seen once or twice came in and was trying to make a phone call, but after she realized that wouldn't happen because of the shitty reception, we stuck up a conversation. I ended up going to her dorm and talking for a good two hours about where we came from, what we did, our boyfriends, our friends, the school in general and so many other things. It was nice to have a conversation with someone who was so open to meeting new people and putting herself our there for others. I needed someone to talk to and this was more than great.

I also skipped the opening celebration and went into town instead. There I got an avocado smoothie bubble tea (my god *-*), Chinese food (they put these delivery pamphlets on our doors today and I'd been craving it all day!), some art supplies (with Bradley's pencil expertise.... bless him) and also found an Urban Outfitters (how unexpected!).

So yeah, today turned out to be better than I expected.

I this and I that.

I don't mean to sound so self-involved.

Then again, this is a blog.

There I go again. 

Pages upon pages and paranoia

Today was my first day of classes. Needless to say, I probably shouldn't spend a lot of time on this considering I already have an essay, 2 chapter and a couple other assignments due. My English professor Charlee Smalls seems like a wonderful woman, I look forward with learning with her the rest of this semester (my class happens to be all girls). Joan Wilterdink, my Psychology professor is a very peppy and corny woman, but it's great that way because it seems that she's very easy-going, so she doesn't intimidate me much. My Screenwriting and Adaptations professor is Bill O'Ren, who also happens to be my advisor, is a screenwriter out in L.A with access to all these cool screenplays such as Mud and Moonrise Kingdom! I look forward to that class most of all (that is my MWF classes).

Meal times were better this time; they weren't as crowded and it seemed more of a norm to eat alone. It's weird sitting in a cafe or cafeteria setting after spending junior and senior year hiding away at the library for lunches. I can't do that here since the dining hall is my more cost-effective and convenient way of...well..eating.

I think college will become easier once I have a friend or at least someone to talk to and spend some time with. I feel pretty alone. I've always been ok with solitude, especially growing up in a large, loud family, but after making some very close friendships and a tight-knit group this past year, I feel like I've been ripped away from all of that to be placed somewhere where I'm suppose to thrive academically and socially, but who knows if that'll happen. The fear of solitude is pushing me to an edge. I really do miss everyone back home and Bradley, especially after FaceTiming him for the little time that I did tonight. I fear that I'll miss him so much, it'll start to affect me because this is exactly what I didn't want to happen.

The paranoia of everything is washing over me. I don't want to repeat junior year.