• 007: Skyfall
• 400 Blows
• 8 1/2
• 10 Things I hate about you
• 21 Grams
• 500 Days of Summer
• A Single Man
• A Swedish Love Story / En Karlekhistoria 
• A Walk to Remember
• Across the Universe
• Almost Famous
• Amelie
• American Beauty 
• Amores Perros
• An Education
• Anna Karenina
• Anna (1967)
• Annie Hall 
• Au Revoir Les Enfants
• Badlands
• Bananas
• Band of Outsiders
• Battle Royale
• Beginners
• Black Swan
• Blow Up
• Blue Lagoon
• Bonnie & Clyde (1967)
• Borat
• Breakfast at Tiffany’s 
• Breathless
• Cabaret
• Cabin in the Woods
• Candy
• Catch Me If You Can
• Celebrity
• Chinatown 
• Cinema Paradiso
• Citizen Kane
• City of God/Cidade de Deus 
• Clueless 
• C.R.A.Z.Y
• Dazed & Confused
• Diabolo Menthe / Peppermint Soda
• Deconstructing Harry
• Django Unchained
• Donnie Darko 
• Do the Right Thing
• Dr Zhivago
• Elefante Blanco 
• Empire Records
• Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
• Europa, Europa
• Eyes Wide Shut
• Factory Girl
• Farenheit 451
• Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
• Fight Club
• Forrest Gump
• Friday
• Funny Girl
• Gainsbourg: Vie Heroique 
• Ghost World
• Girl, Interrupted
• Goodbye, Lenin!
• Hannah and her Sisters
• Hard Candy
• Harry Potter 1-7 
• Heathers
• Hotel Rwanda
• In Paris/Dans Paris
• Indiana Jones 1-4
• Inglourious Basterds 
• Jules and Jim
• Kids 
• Kill Bill 1-2 
• LOL (2008)
• La Belle Personne
• La Chinoise
• La Femme Nikita
• La Haine
• La Piscine
• La Rafle / The Round-Up
• La vita e Bella
• Le Mepris
• Leon, the Professional
• Les Miserables
• Life of Pi
• Lolita (1997) 
• Lost in Translation 
• Love Songs / Les Chansons d’Amour
• Manhattan 
• Manhattan Murder Mystery
• Marie Antoinette
• Masculin Femenin
• Match Point
• Mean Girls
• Memoirs of a Geisha
• Metropolis
• Midnight in Paris
• Mighty Aphrodite
• Modern Times
• Monsieur Ibrahim et les Fleurs du Coran
• Moonrise Kingdom
• Munich
• Mysterious Skin
• My Week with Marilyn
• Natural Born Killers
• Never Let Me Go
• Now w wodzie / Knife in the Water
• Paradise Now 
• Paris, Je t’aime
• Persepolis
• Perks of being a Wallflower 
• Pierrot le Fou
• Pitch Perfect
• Precious
• Play It Again, Sam
• Pretty Baby
• Pretty in Pink
• Psych Out
• Pulp Fiction
• Rebel without a Cause
• Regular Lovers
• Requiem for a Dream
• Reservoir Dogs
• Rocky
• Romeo + Juliet
• Rosemary’s Baby
• Rumble Fish
• Sarah’s Key
• Schindler’s List
• Silver Linings Playbook
• Sixteen Candles
• Slogan (1969) 
• Slumdog Millionaire 
• Somewhere
• Star Wars 1-6
• Submarine
• Taken
• Taxi Driver
• The Basketball Diaries
• The Beach (2000)
• The Big Lebowski
• The Breakfast Club 
• The Dreamers
• The Graduate
• The Help
• The Hunger Games
• The Inbetweeners Movie
• The Ketchup Effect
• The Little Traitor 
• The Pianist 
• The Reader
• The Royal Tenenbaums
• The Shawshank Redemption
• The Tenant
• The Truman Show
• The Unbereable Lightness of Being
• The Virgin Suicides 
• Thirteen
• Titanic
• Trainspotting
• V for Vendetta
• Valerie and her Week of Wonders
• Valley of the Dolls
• Vicky Cristina Barcelona
• Waltz with Bashir
• Wet Hot American Summer
• Who Are You, Polly Magoo?
• Wonderwall
• Zabriskie Point
• Zero Dark 30

On Halloween I drove off to Washington, DC to meet my love at Union Station. Tossing a cigarette butt back, I see him smile, walking towards me in the distance. I do a casual double-handed hello and flash a big smile. "I missed you so much" I say as he kisses me hard.

A lovely night preceded. At Ann's, sitting in the parking lot, jamming and head-bangin' to El Scorcho, a white, suburban family at the stoplight stared at us in confusion/amusment. Naturally, embarrassed we put the windows down, turned the music up louder and kept going. Harder. Double chili dogs, cigarettes and weenie pictures. Back at Goucher, Bradley met Ema and the acceptance was not necessarily mutual. Bradley and I had a nice, catching up time after that... and while we laid in bed he suggested if wanted to do something. I surprised him by taking him bowling, which, like always, is a competitive and great time. I even had a winning game.....by 5 points.

We the next day we woke up around noon and made our way to Baltimore towards Red Emma's Bookstore and Coffee shop, a communist joint in the arts district of Baltimore. The pretentious atmosphere made the air sour and drive us out of the place. Not wanting to head back to Goucher just yet, Bradley suggested we stop by the Soundgarden. Per usual, we both had to pee really bad and naturally, Sofia's Crepe Shoppe was the pee-food pit stop. Duh. After peeing, Brad surprised me with an with a turkey, egg and cheese crepe (which was fucking delicious, might I add.) We browsed the Soundgarden for a while, Bradley finding some cool cassettes, and me just browsing because my retardis ass forgot my wallet.

We left Baltimore and went back to my room, where Bradley hid behind my open dresser door and surprised a shocked and elated Alex. We met Rachel and headed towards DC to see the Burgerama: Caravan of Stars show. In DC, we ran into some guy who invited us to get drinks with him at "Barcelona" (to my surprise, he was not inviting us to go to Spain) and stated he was bi and wanting to have a threesome with Alex and Rachel, who are a lesbian couple that have been together for three years and are still going strong. Thanks to Rachel and having to "change her tampon", we got away from the guy and headed back towards the Black Cat. We crossed the intersection where a few minutes earlier some guys in MIB costumes and Walmart bigs spilled a few cans of PBR, but they were no longer there (the one that was not crushed by incoming traffic.)

The show ended up being really rad, but we missed Dum Dum Girls completely due to Alex disappearing and us not being aware of his whereabouts. He ended up being kicked out of the venue because he picked up an empty beer can, who an employee was convinced that he drank (he didn't.) We got some falafel, fries and a brownie and made our trek back to Baltimore.

The cloudy night and the slow, shoe gaze and electronic tracks made the drive back a quiet one. Alex and Rachel feel asleep in the back and Brad rest his head on my shoulder as I stroked his face and kissed his head. I want to live in that moment forever. The night was an incredibly cold and windy one. We dropped Alex and Rachel off at the front of the building while Bradley and I parked back at the SRC and stayed for some time...Setting our alarm for 4:45 we found our comfortable positions and took a short nap before we had to leave.

This morning (and as I type) I couldn't help myself from crying in bed. At first I tried to keep it as quiet as possible, but then I couldn't hold it back. He said to me "don't cry" and he held me like a small child. Love makes you fucking vulnerable. At Union Station we were only together for a short time before Bradley had to board the bus. I kissed him goodbye and made my way back to school holding back my tears.

I sit here all alone. Alex is gone. Bradley is gone. School is sucking the life out of me.

I'm so fucking lonely at school.

Why can't I gather the courage to go out and do something entertaining. I want the college experience, but why do I shelter myself from people. I hate myself for that.

grindcore and hand-rolled cigarettes

The wind blows outside my window, a cold breeze to match the sheltered mask I've put on since my arrival to school. Is it apathy or a subconscious narcissism that snakes its way in my conscious that outs me above my peers, yet my existence is like the scum between the ridges of their combat leather boots. A front that reads "do not enter" is clear as day and brilliant minds alike read it like they take in the lecture of their most interesting class. Solitude and longing intimacy for the one human being that holds in his being my utmost and best side of my persona. Salty tears fall over the small pile of tobacco that is left from a brick-sized bag, a pile of cigarettes next to it and farther to the right is a darkened cell phone that has been inactive for hours, unlike my running thoughts and whimpers.

Alone and with so much love to give, but the only human being open to it has been silent for the past few hours. Hours that seem like the distance between us. 

I'm aware that this post will be very choppy and child-like, but take it as a life update.

Falling behind in college fucks you over more than falling behind in high school. I've been in a rut lately where my eating habits aren't as good, my motivation to go to class is dwindling and due to my deep set sadness, it reflects in how I perceive my relationship, so I've begun to overthink it all. 

I feel that I annoy Bradley because I'm starting to come off as clingy or deeply-invested. I'm afraid that he will think that I am moving on too quickly, so I'll end up scaring him off. At the same time I'm afraid that our conversations may become repetitive and vapid, but then again, I just want to enjoy this and have fun. I want to be best friends, that means being stupid about things. I don't know how to handle relationships...what is right and what is wrong. I'm very very scared. 

On that note, Bradley is coming down for Halloween weekend and we're seeing Cherry Glazerr and Dum Dum Girls, so that'll be a pretty radical date! We'll see how that weekend goes. I'm planning on taking him to Gravelly Point Park in Arlignton where my parents used to take me when I was younger to watch airplanes fly overhead. I'm very excited to hold and kiss him. 

Bethany broke up with Abby. I think Abby has a thing with Kyle.

My mother told me I'm too fat for a belly button piercing, so I'm taking laxatives again and possibly dieting. Wish me the best.